If you haven't already, head to MTV and watch "18 Candles," the fourth episode of Laguna Beach. When you're done, come back and comment on the full recap, featured below!Previously on Laguna Beach
(as written by the producers, and narrated by Lauren):
(as written by the producers, and narrated by Lauren):
"I was excited to go to the fashion show in LA, but I was more into spending some time with Stephen. We were having fun checking out all the models, until one started checking out Stephen. And to make matters worse, the next day, Stephen went running back to Kristin. And Lo and I were about to find out we're on the 'I forgot you list' for Christina's eighteenth birthday party."
Lo: " . . . have Morgan and Christina been really retarded lately?"
The Story: Christina's mom embarrasses her by talking on camera about how proud she is of Christina. Christina's mom hasn't had as much plastic surgery as you might expect. She does have the bleached blond straw hair required of every woman in Orange County older than the age of thirty-two (who appears on television). Mom surprises Christina with a "very special" birthday present: Christina will get to audition (on camera!) with a casting director for Wicked, Rent, and Hairspray. Christina is as excited as her robot programming will allow.
The next day, Morgan and Christina drive somewhere. Christina talks in a quiet, high-pitched baby voice. She still doesn't have a personality. She's either camera-shy, or a robot. Morgan fills the silence with her babbling, rationalizing that it would be "random" to invite Lauren and Lo to Christina's birthday party, since the Brunettes aren't really friends with the Blonds anymore. The pairs have been "growing apart" for a while, and the Blonds didn't invite the Brunettes to their birthday parties either.
The next day, Morgan and Christina drive somewhere. Christina talks in a quiet, high-pitched baby voice. She still doesn't have a personality. She's either camera-shy, or a robot. Morgan fills the silence with her babbling, rationalizing that it would be "random" to invite Lauren and Lo to Christina's birthday party, since the Brunettes aren't really friends with the Blonds anymore. The pairs have been "growing apart" for a while, and the Blonds didn't invite the Brunettes to their birthday parties either.
Lauren and Lo go to the mall. Lo asks the above quote about Christina and Morgan being "retarded." Lauren searches for her pulse/comes out of her pot haze to mention that Morgan told Lauren she likes her a lot more when she's "not around her friends." Substitute "Lo" for "friends" in that last quote because Morgan and Lo fucking hate each other. Lo opines that the Brunettes have been acting "not that nice." Thinking she's really clever, Lauren tries on a lip gloss called "Two-Faced." Lo is like " 'A' for effort, I guess."
Christina has her birthday party at Joe's Crab Shack. Joe's Crab Shack looks like the kind of place where people with crabs would hang out. Cast members in attendance: Christina, Morgan, Kristin, and Alex H. We also meet Gay Garry. Gay Garry recently starred on MTV's Styl'd. I am legitimately embarrassed to know that, but not as embarrassed as Garry should be for going on that show (or MTV for spelling the title like that).
Kristin decides to teach the Brunettes a lesson in being totally awesome and sends an attractive, older guy a note on a napkin. The rest of the party can barely contain themselves as the waitress reads Kristin's note out loud to the guy. Attractive Older Guy then approaches the table; everyone but Kristin squeals at the top of their lungs because they are nine years old. Attractive Older Guy introduces himself to Kristin; she nonchalantly tells him they all think he's "pretty hot." Kristin rules.
Trey, Polster, Stephen and Deiter wrestle. Polster wants everyone to stop wrestling because he totally has a boner. Stephen and Trey are most likely high (if Stephen and Trey have a scene together, assume they are high). Stephen announces he might be getting back together with Kristin; the rest of the guys groan and are like "duh, she's totally awesome."
Kristin gives Attractive Older Guy her phone number. Morgan seriously cannot believe that Kristin just pulled that shit and got away with it. Morgan most likely wears a promise ring and still feels guilty about that one time she masturbated. Christina-bot asks how Kristin got the guy on Christina-bot's birthday. Kristin just shrugs and is like "try being totally awesome instead of a robot." Everyone dances on the table.
Lauren has dinner with her family, which includes Mom, Dad, Less Attractive Younger Sister (you can tell because she has brown hair!) and Little Brother. Lauren's mom looks exactly like Kelly Rowan, who played the mom on The O.C. Apparently, Lauren has taken the idea of a "senior slide" to heart, as she's failing one of her classes. Her dad informs her she can "get Cs." Lauren is that dumb. Dad grounds Lauren.
Post birthday party, Christina-bot and Morgan bond about their awesome friendship. Morgan is so grateful to have a friend like Christina-bot who also wears a promise ring and isn't a slut. I would guess that Morgan has never been kissed. Christina's programming struggles to both comprehend what Morgan is saying, and make appropriate facial expressions.
Lo tries to talk Jim (Lauren's dad) out of grounding Lauren. Lo refers to Jim by his first name, which never would have gone down in my house. Lo gives her best pitch about Lauren being a "good person" and grades not reflecting Lauren's character, but ultimately she bursts into giggles. Lauren attempts to make her slacker ways Mom and Dad's fault, since they told her she could cruise. Mom is like "cruising isn't failing." Lo is like "she has a point." Lauren gives Lo the stink-eye, but Lo is just like "seriously, I know you are dumb, and that's fine, but even you can get a C."
Okay, this next scene is easily the best scene in the history of this show not involving Kristin. It's so good, it's like eating a whole chocolate cake without gaining any weight. Morgan and Christina-bot go to get their nails done. They are both grateful to go to New York for spring break instead of Cabo. They are both totally lying, but going to New York instead of Cabo makes them feel morally superior, and since they are Promise Ring (Robot) Girls, they enjoy moral superiority over having actual fun.
Everything turns amazing because Lauren and Lo walk into the salon. Morgan literally does a double-take, shits her pants, and swallows dramatically. The girls make nice and discuss spring break plans. Lauren is going to Cabo. Lo is not. Insert awkward pause. Lauren compliments Christina-bot's new earrings. Lauren has not realized they are re-enacting every scene from Mean Girls in under five minutes. Lo, however, knows exactly what's happening, and does her best Regina George impression. She asks Christina if the earrings were a "birthday gift." Christina, understanding Lo's game, just smiles, and says yes, Gay Garry gave them to her with a matching shirt. Lo mocks the idea of giving earrings with a matching shirt. My notes at this point literally read "Lo is Regina."
Christina returns Lo's assault by bragging about her Broadway audition. Lo is a dismissive bitch about this news, exclaiming "that's so great!" in the falsest tone possible. Lauren is mentally handicapped and literally says "I don't know what that means." Lo, maintaining her Regina Voice, calmly explains the concept of musical theater to Lauren. Lauren gets genuinely excited for Christina. Lo wonders why she ever chose such a dumb best friend.
Lo plasters another fake smile on her face, and asks Christina if she got into SMU. Christina did. Christina asks if Lo got into USC. Lo didn't. Christina totally knew that before she asked and wanted to embarrass Lo (on-camera). Lo goes and sits in a pedicure station next to Morgan. Morgan looks nervous. The two girls think about pulling out each others' hair. Morgan attacks Lauren because Lauren is dumb and not scary like Lo. She asks if Lauren is still going to "fashion school." Lauren recites the line her parents gave her about it being an art school, where she will happen to major in fashion. Christina totally blows her off with a "whatever." Christina should indulge her bitchy side more often. The Brunettes leave.
The Brunettes go to New York.
Lauren goes to dinner with Talan (hi Talan!). Lauren talks some more about failing out of high school, but still pretends to be excited for college. Talan brings up Stephen and Kristin. Lauren repeats her usual boring line about Stephen and Kristin fighting all the time. I don't care.
The Brunettes go to a chain restaurant in Times Square and pay $40 for a salad. Morgan keeps asking Christina what she would do if she got a part on Broadway. Christina does not want to talk about her audition on camera. Morgan keeps asking; Christina keeps shutting her down.
The Brunettes go to Christina's audition. Christina is not a great singer. I mean, she's not terrible, and she's a hell of a lot better than I am, but she is not going to win a Tony any time soon. She ends the song by dramatically over-acting. The casting director tries not to laugh at her, and then lies that she has a great voice, but needs to work on her acting ability. Christina clearly wishes the audition hadn't occurred on camera. The Brunettes go sight-seeing, hopefully not in Times Square.
The Real Deal: I give Lo a lot of shit, but I think she's a worthwhile character. The Hills cast her so completely in the side-kick roll I honestly expected her to leave the show with Lauren, and even here she never appears unless at Lauren's side. What's interesting about their dynamic (using the language of Mean Girls) is that Lo is really the Regina, and Lauren is really the Karen. Lauren comes across as sweet, but also a little slow; she appears to take people at face value, and often falls back on her appearance. Lo, in contrast, relies on her brain to navigate social situations, and isn't afraid to engage in some (petty, though entertaining) bitchiness.
Now, I love Lauren, and she certainly grew into a capable woman, but I do wonder if MTV gave us the Lauren show at Lo's expense. I find it a little sad when pretty girls get rewarded for passivity, while their more critical best friends are left making endless appearances at sports drink launch parties with Stephanie Pratt (who is a Gretchen if I ever saw one).
Christina has her birthday party at Joe's Crab Shack. Joe's Crab Shack looks like the kind of place where people with crabs would hang out. Cast members in attendance: Christina, Morgan, Kristin, and Alex H. We also meet Gay Garry. Gay Garry recently starred on MTV's Styl'd. I am legitimately embarrassed to know that, but not as embarrassed as Garry should be for going on that show (or MTV for spelling the title like that).
Kristin decides to teach the Brunettes a lesson in being totally awesome and sends an attractive, older guy a note on a napkin. The rest of the party can barely contain themselves as the waitress reads Kristin's note out loud to the guy. Attractive Older Guy then approaches the table; everyone but Kristin squeals at the top of their lungs because they are nine years old. Attractive Older Guy introduces himself to Kristin; she nonchalantly tells him they all think he's "pretty hot." Kristin rules.
Trey, Polster, Stephen and Deiter wrestle. Polster wants everyone to stop wrestling because he totally has a boner. Stephen and Trey are most likely high (if Stephen and Trey have a scene together, assume they are high). Stephen announces he might be getting back together with Kristin; the rest of the guys groan and are like "duh, she's totally awesome."
Kristin gives Attractive Older Guy her phone number. Morgan seriously cannot believe that Kristin just pulled that shit and got away with it. Morgan most likely wears a promise ring and still feels guilty about that one time she masturbated. Christina-bot asks how Kristin got the guy on Christina-bot's birthday. Kristin just shrugs and is like "try being totally awesome instead of a robot." Everyone dances on the table.
Lauren has dinner with her family, which includes Mom, Dad, Less Attractive Younger Sister (you can tell because she has brown hair!) and Little Brother. Lauren's mom looks exactly like Kelly Rowan, who played the mom on The O.C. Apparently, Lauren has taken the idea of a "senior slide" to heart, as she's failing one of her classes. Her dad informs her she can "get Cs." Lauren is that dumb. Dad grounds Lauren.
Post birthday party, Christina-bot and Morgan bond about their awesome friendship. Morgan is so grateful to have a friend like Christina-bot who also wears a promise ring and isn't a slut. I would guess that Morgan has never been kissed. Christina's programming struggles to both comprehend what Morgan is saying, and make appropriate facial expressions.
Lo tries to talk Jim (Lauren's dad) out of grounding Lauren. Lo refers to Jim by his first name, which never would have gone down in my house. Lo gives her best pitch about Lauren being a "good person" and grades not reflecting Lauren's character, but ultimately she bursts into giggles. Lauren attempts to make her slacker ways Mom and Dad's fault, since they told her she could cruise. Mom is like "cruising isn't failing." Lo is like "she has a point." Lauren gives Lo the stink-eye, but Lo is just like "seriously, I know you are dumb, and that's fine, but even you can get a C."
Okay, this next scene is easily the best scene in the history of this show not involving Kristin. It's so good, it's like eating a whole chocolate cake without gaining any weight. Morgan and Christina-bot go to get their nails done. They are both grateful to go to New York for spring break instead of Cabo. They are both totally lying, but going to New York instead of Cabo makes them feel morally superior, and since they are Promise Ring (Robot) Girls, they enjoy moral superiority over having actual fun.
Everything turns amazing because Lauren and Lo walk into the salon. Morgan literally does a double-take, shits her pants, and swallows dramatically. The girls make nice and discuss spring break plans. Lauren is going to Cabo. Lo is not. Insert awkward pause. Lauren compliments Christina-bot's new earrings. Lauren has not realized they are re-enacting every scene from Mean Girls in under five minutes. Lo, however, knows exactly what's happening, and does her best Regina George impression. She asks Christina if the earrings were a "birthday gift." Christina, understanding Lo's game, just smiles, and says yes, Gay Garry gave them to her with a matching shirt. Lo mocks the idea of giving earrings with a matching shirt. My notes at this point literally read "Lo is Regina."
Christina returns Lo's assault by bragging about her Broadway audition. Lo is a dismissive bitch about this news, exclaiming "that's so great!" in the falsest tone possible. Lauren is mentally handicapped and literally says "I don't know what that means." Lo, maintaining her Regina Voice, calmly explains the concept of musical theater to Lauren. Lauren gets genuinely excited for Christina. Lo wonders why she ever chose such a dumb best friend.
Lo plasters another fake smile on her face, and asks Christina if she got into SMU. Christina did. Christina asks if Lo got into USC. Lo didn't. Christina totally knew that before she asked and wanted to embarrass Lo (on-camera). Lo goes and sits in a pedicure station next to Morgan. Morgan looks nervous. The two girls think about pulling out each others' hair. Morgan attacks Lauren because Lauren is dumb and not scary like Lo. She asks if Lauren is still going to "fashion school." Lauren recites the line her parents gave her about it being an art school, where she will happen to major in fashion. Christina totally blows her off with a "whatever." Christina should indulge her bitchy side more often. The Brunettes leave.
The Brunettes go to New York.
Lauren goes to dinner with Talan (hi Talan!). Lauren talks some more about failing out of high school, but still pretends to be excited for college. Talan brings up Stephen and Kristin. Lauren repeats her usual boring line about Stephen and Kristin fighting all the time. I don't care.
The Brunettes go to a chain restaurant in Times Square and pay $40 for a salad. Morgan keeps asking Christina what she would do if she got a part on Broadway. Christina does not want to talk about her audition on camera. Morgan keeps asking; Christina keeps shutting her down.
The Brunettes go to Christina's audition. Christina is not a great singer. I mean, she's not terrible, and she's a hell of a lot better than I am, but she is not going to win a Tony any time soon. She ends the song by dramatically over-acting. The casting director tries not to laugh at her, and then lies that she has a great voice, but needs to work on her acting ability. Christina clearly wishes the audition hadn't occurred on camera. The Brunettes go sight-seeing, hopefully not in Times Square.
The Real Deal: I give Lo a lot of shit, but I think she's a worthwhile character. The Hills cast her so completely in the side-kick roll I honestly expected her to leave the show with Lauren, and even here she never appears unless at Lauren's side. What's interesting about their dynamic (using the language of Mean Girls) is that Lo is really the Regina, and Lauren is really the Karen. Lauren comes across as sweet, but also a little slow; she appears to take people at face value, and often falls back on her appearance. Lo, in contrast, relies on her brain to navigate social situations, and isn't afraid to engage in some (petty, though entertaining) bitchiness.
Now, I love Lauren, and she certainly grew into a capable woman, but I do wonder if MTV gave us the Lauren show at Lo's expense. I find it a little sad when pretty girls get rewarded for passivity, while their more critical best friends are left making endless appearances at sports drink launch parties with Stephanie Pratt (who is a Gretchen if I ever saw one).
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
ReplyDeletealso, "Okay, this next scene is easily the best scene in the history of this show not involving Kristin. It's so good, it's like eating a whole chocolate cake without gaining any weight."
ReplyDeletefantastic!