Life is a Beach: Laguna Beach, S1, Ep. 1 "A Black & White Affair"

If you haven't already, get yourself to MTV and watch "A Black & White Affair," the first episode of Laguna Beach. When you're done, come back and comment on the full recap, featured below!

"The following program was shot over a six month period in the city of Laguna Beach, California.

The people, the locations, and the drama

. . . are real."

The Players:

• Lauren (or "LC"): our unreliable narrator (her narration serves as a means for the production staff to outline in broad strokes the story they've decided to tell). A "nice girl" who has finally decided to "go after what she wants." The most famous person here.
  

• Stephen: Lauren's crush and Kristin's kind-of-boyfriend. Looks and dresses like the boy everyone considered hot in sixth grade.
  

• Kristin: Lauren's nemesis. A junior. Wears an unfortunate black choker far too often. Supposedly, the "wrong girl" for Stephen. In reality, the most awesome person on the show.

• Talan: A slutty junior boy. Has hooked up with Kristin and Lauren; manages to be both honest and endearing when talking about it.
  

• Trey: The "serious" one. Gets no dialogue this week. Hangs out with Stephen, and has the "best party house in Laguna."
  

• Lo: Lauren's trusty sidekick. Kind of bitchy, but in a sweet-voiced, duplicitous way. The Hills producers will one day label her "Audrina's Friend," even though her first major storyline consisted of her treating Audrina like shit on the bottom of her stiletto.
  

• Christina: A pastor's daughter. Tall. Seems kind of fun. Future college roommate of Whitney Port.
  

• Morgan: Adorable virgin, awkward dancer.

• Deiter: Stephen's "wing-man." Looks eleven to Stephen's twelve.
  

• Alex: Kristin's best friend. Featured prominently in Season Two, despite never making the opening credits. A likely lesbian with a likely huge lesbian crush on Kristin.
  

The Story: Lauren, Lo, Morgan and Christina plan a theme party, a "black and white affair" (episode title goes to Lo, this week). Morgan appears especially enthusiastic about theme parties. Lo appears not especially enthusiastic about Morgan. Kristin lounges in a bikini. Kristin visits Stephen at work. Stephen flirts with Lauren at Trey's barbecue. Lauren doesn't even try to hide her massive Stephen boner. Kristin goes to Alex's house and bitches about Lauren. Lauren stares longingly at Stephen before leaving with him to continue partying off-camera.

Lauren takes Stephen to the construction site of her new house. Kristin and Talan hang out, and discuss their on/off relationships with each other and Stephen/Lauren. Kristin calls Lauren a "spoiled little brat." Elsewhere, Stephen compares and contrasts Kristin and Lauren. Stephen calls Kristin a "fun girl to hook-up with." Stephen's friends nod sagely and ponder the difficulty of being an upper-class white male in the patriarchal society that is high school. Later, Kristin and Stephen go out to dinner. Kristin catches Stephen in a lie about Lauren, and accuses him of having sex with her. Kristin reveals a hint of her true awesomeness and says she's "over it" if the Stephen/Lauren rumors don't go away.

Everyone gets ready for the black and white party. Lo makes a snooty face at Morgan for fashion related reasons. Morgan either doesn't notice, or doesn't care. Stephen runs over a bottle of Deiter's "cologne." Everyone drinks hard alcohol and Coke out of soda bottles. Kristin does not want to stay at the black and white party, and forces her sidekicks to sit awkwardly in a separate room with her. She eventually storms out; Stephen leaves with her. Lauren feels "bummed out." Lauren stands on a balcony overlooking the ocean, contemplating the angst of her teenage existence.*

*It's safe to assume that every episode of this show ends with someone standing on a balcony overlooking the ocean, contemplating the angst of their teenage existence.

The History: Prior to filming, Kristin and Stephen dated. Stephen may or may not have cheated on Kristin with Lauren; Kristin dumped Stephen. Stephen definitely hooked up with Lauren. Kristin and Stephen got back together just in time for MTV to start filming.

The Awesome:

• The producers label Polster (friend of Stephen, Deiter and Trey) a "party enthusiast." Someone on the production staff totally smoked pot with him. He appears once or twice on The Hills in order for Lauren to talk to someone about her trouble trusting people (the producers did not immediately cut to a shot of Heidi).
  

• Lauren's under construction house = gorgeous and huge, with an amazing view. Besides showing off the natural beauty of the Southern California coastline, the scene of Lauren and Stephen visiting the construction site reveals just how much (more) money Lauren comes from (than her co-stars).
  

• Lauren and Kristin look amazing. In the present day, they're both that Too Thin Young Hollywood Pretty that makes them look like bobble-heads. They both look healthier here, even if they (and Lo) have chosen to douse their hair in over-the-counter bleach products (and dress like . . . high school girls). If you combined Lauren's present day hair and fashion sense with her body in this episode, you would have a girl as hot as Whitney Port.
  

• Kristin's choker easily wins the award for Most Unfortunate Recurring Fashion Accessory.
  

• The production values pale in comparison to The Hills. The camera man has to actually walk around to catch moments of conversation. It's great because it gives the show a documentary feel, as opposed to the staged set pieces of its successor.
  

• Both Jessica and Jenn make their unofficial debuts at the black and white party. We will see more of Jessica next season, when Kristin repeatedly (and awesomely) berates her for being a useless doormat with no self-esteem. Jenn will make her play for fame on the second season of The Hills when she and Heidi conspire to ruin Lauren's life as swiftly, and completely, as possible.

The Real Deal: A good start to an amazing little show, one that holds a special place in my heart since I entered my senior year of high school just as Lauren, Stephen, and Lo finished theirs. It's fun to remember what these kids were like before they became actors playing themselves. I forgot how shy, sweet, and genuine Kristin appeared during her initial appearances. She won't reach her full potential until Season Two, yet you can already sense her barely contained rage simmering underneath the service.

Kristin rules because she abhors the rules and regulations of her gendered world. Here, she's still trying to play along with Lauren, Lo and all the girls who hide behind their trill giggles and modest party dresses, when really, she just wants to burn their stupid black and white party to the ground. Can you blame her? Her boyfriend brought her to a party thrown by very the dull-eyed Goldilocks who has made it her personal mission to steal said boyfriend away, and everyone considers Goldilocks "the nice one."

Lauren gets a free pass from the producers when it comes to her presentation. Every time she looks at Stephen some "true love conquers all" song starts playing, in order to portray her manipulations as noble, instead of underhanded and sad. Just tell Stephen you want him, Lauren, and if he walks away, then you walk away too. The triangle exists at all because both girls give Stephen all the power, which happens in real life way more than any of us would like to admit. Thankfully, Kristin will eventually learn to take the power for herself, and for that, I can hardly wait.

What did everybody think?