If you haven't already, head to MTV and watch "Fast Cars & Fast Women," the third episode of Laguna Beach. When you're done, come back and comment on the full recap, featured below! Previously on Laguna Beach
(as written by the producers, and narrated by Lauren):
(as written by the producers, and narrated by Lauren):
"Our senior year in Laguna Beach wasn't exactly going smoothly. Morgan got rejected from the only college she applied to, and Stephen was beginning to find out he wasn't the only guy in Kristin's life. He tried talking to her at The Bonfire, but typical Kristin, she just turned and walked away. With Kristin out of the picture, it looked like Stephen and I could hang out again . . . "
The Story: Kristin asks her older brother, Mike, if he thinks she can convince their dad to buy her a new car. Mike laughs in Kristin's face. Lauren, Lo, and Jen get ice cream and recap the Stephen/Kristin drama from the last episode. Lo asks when Stephen leaves for college; Lauren blurts out the exact date, and then pretends she doesn't know for sure. Lo and Jen think Lauren and Stephen should get married. Jen declares that their "babies would be like the popular people at school."
Kristin recaps The Bonfire drama to Jessica. The fight was about her "friendship" with Sam. Jessica still has huge boobs. Kristin admits she told Stephen she wanted him back in her life, but then acted like she could care less. Stephen apparently wants to "ease into things," or in High School Boy "have sex without committing to one another emotionally."
Stephen "randomly" stops by Trey's house, so Trey can invite him to a fashion show in LA. Stephen honks the horn and doesn't even get out of the car for this conversation. Afterward, Trey SKATEBOARDS down the street, wearing a t-shirt with ONE SLEEVE CUT OFF that reads "Listen to Bob Marley." I couldn't make that shit up if I tried.
Kristin, Likely Lesbian Alex H, and Sam go car shopping. Sam looks like a secondary character on the CW's The Vampire Diaries. He also needs to buy smaller t-shirts (and shower). Kristin says she deserves a new car since she has a 3.6 GPA. Kristin definitely is not getting a new car.
Lauren, Trey, and Stephen drive through Los Angeles. Stephen comments that it "feels like a big city." Trey adds that it's "flat." Stephen and Trey totally smoked pot on the drive there. The producers cut to a random shot of four black people to emphasize that LA is a big, dangerous city (no African American individuals will ever appear on The Hills).
Kristin, Alex, and Sam drive home from car shopping. Kristin wishes her car would break down so she could get a new one; Alex reminds her that she wouldn't get a new car, and instead would have no vehicle. I kind of love Alex. The producers get a case of the church giggles, since they totally drained the oil out of Kristin's car while the kids shopped. The car breaks down. Kristin calls the traffic "gnarly," and her car "dunzo." She compares her stalled car to an actual car accident; it's "fate" that her car broke down on the way home from car shopping. She hopes that her Buddhist father will now buy her a new one. Somewhere, Kristin's brother scoffs at the optimism of younger siblings.
Trey, Lauren, and Stephen eat dinner in Trey's hotel room. Luckily, no dangerous, urban black people appear and beat them up. Stephen is not wearing a shirt (in order to get Lauren's attention). Trey is obviously high. He calls fashion "wearable art." Lauren (not high, just dim), acts like she totally knows what Trey is talking about, and comments that "make-up is so cool." She calls make-up "wearable art, on your face." Even stoned out of his mind, Trey looks at Lauren like he can't believe she passed third grade. Stephen and Lauren flirt.
Kristin and Alex get coffee and recap the car breakdown. Kristin didn't put oil in her car (or even check it). The girls giggle on account of neither of them knowing anything about motor vehicles. The conversation switches to Stephen going to LA with Lauren. Kristin makes fun of Lauren wanting to go to fashion school ("which you don't even need brains to get into").
Lauren, Stephen, and Trey attend the most budget fashion show in history. I mean, they're sitting in the front row. Thankfully, no urban, dangerous black people try to sell them drugs. Stephen spends the entire show surveying the models like they're cattle at an auction. After the show, Stephen and Trey (try to) flirt with the models. One girl calls Stephen "totally gorgeous." Model Girl clearly wants camera-time, not Stephen-time. Stephen grinds with Model Girl in front of Lauren. Lauren gets upset, and goes outside. Lauren mopes in her car, and calls her friend to talk about Stephen - who happens to be standing ACROSS THE PARKING LOT FROM HER WHILE SHE TALKS ABOUT HIM.
Stephen and Golf Team Captain Jonathan discuss Stephen's night in LA (on the golf course). Stephen loves that his Model-grinding made Lauren upset. He looks like the cat that ate the canary. Stephen is a huge douche (this week). Meanwhile, Lauren recaps the night to Jen, and tries to act like she wasn't upset, and could care less about the whole thing. Jen almost gets in five different car accidents in the time it takes Lauren to say "he danced with a model in front of me." Jen has an annoying laugh.
Stephen again recaps the LA excursion to Kristin over dinner. He brushes over Lauren's freak-out, saying he "doesn't know," why she left. Kristin went to dinner the night before with a male friend (Zach) who has a girlfriend. Stephen immediately acts passive-aggressively bitchy, and bites his lower lip. He says Kristin's night was "random," and all but accuses her of sleeping with Zach. Stephen chews with his mouth open. I have seriously never hated him so much, yet Kristin doesn't mind. She makes it known she's willing to hook up with him. They hook up (off camera).
The Awesome:
Lauren also comes across poorly, thanks to her late-night stalking session. If the guy/girl you like is being an ass, and dancing with someone else in front of you, find an attractive guy/girl to dance with yourself. Even if you can't/don't want to do that, get in your car and DRIVE AWAY, don't sit in a dark corner of the parking lot, narrating your crush's behavior to your friend over the phone. My beef with Lauren comes from her resorting to "pathetic" whenever a situation calls for "badass." She can try her hardest to sweep things under the rug the next morning, but she still lets people get the better of her far too often.
Add a dash of racism to the Love Triangle's combined poor decisions, and you get an unfortunate installment reminiscent of a Hills episode where Audrina goes back to Justin (again), and Heidi and Spencer endlessly fight over indoor graffiti.
Lauren: "This is not working."
The Story: Kristin asks her older brother, Mike, if he thinks she can convince their dad to buy her a new car. Mike laughs in Kristin's face. Lauren, Lo, and Jen get ice cream and recap the Stephen/Kristin drama from the last episode. Lo asks when Stephen leaves for college; Lauren blurts out the exact date, and then pretends she doesn't know for sure. Lo and Jen think Lauren and Stephen should get married. Jen declares that their "babies would be like the popular people at school."
Kristin recaps The Bonfire drama to Jessica. The fight was about her "friendship" with Sam. Jessica still has huge boobs. Kristin admits she told Stephen she wanted him back in her life, but then acted like she could care less. Stephen apparently wants to "ease into things," or in High School Boy "have sex without committing to one another emotionally."
Stephen "randomly" stops by Trey's house, so Trey can invite him to a fashion show in LA. Stephen honks the horn and doesn't even get out of the car for this conversation. Afterward, Trey SKATEBOARDS down the street, wearing a t-shirt with ONE SLEEVE CUT OFF that reads "Listen to Bob Marley." I couldn't make that shit up if I tried.
Kristin, Likely Lesbian Alex H, and Sam go car shopping. Sam looks like a secondary character on the CW's The Vampire Diaries. He also needs to buy smaller t-shirts (and shower). Kristin says she deserves a new car since she has a 3.6 GPA. Kristin definitely is not getting a new car.
Lauren, Trey, and Stephen drive through Los Angeles. Stephen comments that it "feels like a big city." Trey adds that it's "flat." Stephen and Trey totally smoked pot on the drive there. The producers cut to a random shot of four black people to emphasize that LA is a big, dangerous city (no African American individuals will ever appear on The Hills).
Kristin, Alex, and Sam drive home from car shopping. Kristin wishes her car would break down so she could get a new one; Alex reminds her that she wouldn't get a new car, and instead would have no vehicle. I kind of love Alex. The producers get a case of the church giggles, since they totally drained the oil out of Kristin's car while the kids shopped. The car breaks down. Kristin calls the traffic "gnarly," and her car "dunzo." She compares her stalled car to an actual car accident; it's "fate" that her car broke down on the way home from car shopping. She hopes that her Buddhist father will now buy her a new one. Somewhere, Kristin's brother scoffs at the optimism of younger siblings.
Trey, Lauren, and Stephen eat dinner in Trey's hotel room. Luckily, no dangerous, urban black people appear and beat them up. Stephen is not wearing a shirt (in order to get Lauren's attention). Trey is obviously high. He calls fashion "wearable art." Lauren (not high, just dim), acts like she totally knows what Trey is talking about, and comments that "make-up is so cool." She calls make-up "wearable art, on your face." Even stoned out of his mind, Trey looks at Lauren like he can't believe she passed third grade. Stephen and Lauren flirt.
Kristin and Alex get coffee and recap the car breakdown. Kristin didn't put oil in her car (or even check it). The girls giggle on account of neither of them knowing anything about motor vehicles. The conversation switches to Stephen going to LA with Lauren. Kristin makes fun of Lauren wanting to go to fashion school ("which you don't even need brains to get into").
Lauren, Stephen, and Trey attend the most budget fashion show in history. I mean, they're sitting in the front row. Thankfully, no urban, dangerous black people try to sell them drugs. Stephen spends the entire show surveying the models like they're cattle at an auction. After the show, Stephen and Trey (try to) flirt with the models. One girl calls Stephen "totally gorgeous." Model Girl clearly wants camera-time, not Stephen-time. Stephen grinds with Model Girl in front of Lauren. Lauren gets upset, and goes outside. Lauren mopes in her car, and calls her friend to talk about Stephen - who happens to be standing ACROSS THE PARKING LOT FROM HER WHILE SHE TALKS ABOUT HIM.
Stephen and Golf Team Captain Jonathan discuss Stephen's night in LA (on the golf course). Stephen loves that his Model-grinding made Lauren upset. He looks like the cat that ate the canary. Stephen is a huge douche (this week). Meanwhile, Lauren recaps the night to Jen, and tries to act like she wasn't upset, and could care less about the whole thing. Jen almost gets in five different car accidents in the time it takes Lauren to say "he danced with a model in front of me." Jen has an annoying laugh.
Stephen again recaps the LA excursion to Kristin over dinner. He brushes over Lauren's freak-out, saying he "doesn't know," why she left. Kristin went to dinner the night before with a male friend (Zach) who has a girlfriend. Stephen immediately acts passive-aggressively bitchy, and bites his lower lip. He says Kristin's night was "random," and all but accuses her of sleeping with Zach. Stephen chews with his mouth open. I have seriously never hated him so much, yet Kristin doesn't mind. She makes it known she's willing to hook up with him. They hook up (off camera).
The Awesome:
- Kristin's Hideous Black Choker of Doom officially gets more screen-time than L0, Morgan, Christina, and Talan this week. The latter three don't even appear, which is how you know the producers have decided they're the Boring Ones. Meanwhile, Jen, Jessica, and Alex continue to invade our television screens (or web browsers), further indicating that the producers prefer blonds.
- I might have to stop suggesting Alex has a Big Lesbian Crush on Kristin, since she kind of rules this week. Girl keeps her cool during the Big Car Breakdown, and clearly knows how to handle Kristin. While most people (cough Jessica cough) submit to Kristin's every bitchy demand, Alex casually brushes them aside like lint floating through an open room. She seems fun, but also more mature and responsible than 90% of the kids on the show.
- The structure of this episode sucks balls. Half the scenes consist of cast-members recapping scenes we JUST SAW to other cast-members. Now, teenagers definitely love to rehash their social drama at any available opportunity, and the producers may have prompted these conversations, but this trend will only worsen (The Hills consists almost entirely of the cast talking about off-camera events). Occasionally, the recaps do prove interesting, since we can compare the actual events to the kids' depiction of them (Lauren and Stephen, if we saw it on camera, it doesn't matter what kind of damage control you try to spin).
Lauren also comes across poorly, thanks to her late-night stalking session. If the guy/girl you like is being an ass, and dancing with someone else in front of you, find an attractive guy/girl to dance with yourself. Even if you can't/don't want to do that, get in your car and DRIVE AWAY, don't sit in a dark corner of the parking lot, narrating your crush's behavior to your friend over the phone. My beef with Lauren comes from her resorting to "pathetic" whenever a situation calls for "badass." She can try her hardest to sweep things under the rug the next morning, but she still lets people get the better of her far too often.
Add a dash of racism to the Love Triangle's combined poor decisions, and you get an unfortunate installment reminiscent of a Hills episode where Audrina goes back to Justin (again), and Heidi and Spencer endlessly fight over indoor graffiti.
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