Reintroducing the Beverly Hills Housewives.

One of my favorite things about the Real Housewives franchise is discovering the new introductions the women fashion for themselves in later seasons. The first season opening credits always feature boring statements along the lines of "I love being rich," and "My life is awesome." Every credits sequence thereafter finds the women doing damage control in regards to their previous performance - the mean are really nice, the crazy are really sane, everyone loves divorce, etc.

Bravo recently reintroduced the Beverly Hills cast, and as such, they've crafted new declarative statements to excuse their past behavior. Of course, they can't be too obvious about it. Camille can't say "I'm not a bitch," and Kim can't say "I'm sober (maybe)." Everyone has to act happy to be back, and like they aren't trying too hard to win the viewers' affection. The result is more boring "I'm great, really!" pleas, but this time with subtext. I'm happy to read between the lines for them.

Adrienne Maloof

Says: Having it all is easy, if you're willing to work for it.

Means: My meager storyline last season consisted of me bickering with my husband. That's not good enough. This year, we are going to FIGHT.

Camille Grammer

Says: Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is.

Means: Get ready to like me; I paid a lot for this personality.

Kim Richards

Says: People try to figure me out, but I'm one of a kind.

Means: Kyle wrote this for me.

Kyle Richards

Says: I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills, but I am the luckiest.

Means: Even after calling my sister an alcoholic on national television, I still have my shit together more than most of these women. Also, I am fertile and my husband is hot.

Lisa Vanderpump

Says: Life in Beverly Hills is a game, and I make the rules.

Means: Last year I was awesome and won this show hands down. In the grand tradition of this franchise, I will now be edited in such a way as to convince you I am a horrible person. All of the mean things I am going to say about Taylor won't help.

Taylor Armstrong

Says: I finally found my voice, and I know how to use it.

Means: I am about to make you really uncomfortable.